


Hate Me

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Season/Series 10, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 03:32:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9366131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dean's having trouble understanding why his lovers don't hate him after what he did as a demon.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SPN Polyship Bingo 2017  
> Square filled: Castiel/Dean/Sam  
> Inspired by: Hate Me - Blue October

Echoing. Echoing in my brain. Shouts. Words slung like mud. Bleeding into my skull, etched there forever.

 

I paced down the halls of the bunker that Sam, Cas and I called home. The deep hole dug into the smooth wall from the force of my hammer swing.

 

I stopped at the hole, running my fingers along the ragged edge of it.

 

_“There’s just enough demon left in me that killing you ain’t no choice at all.”_

 

My own voice rang in my ears, choking my throat closed. It didn’t even _sound_ like me. That hammer was almost in my baby brother’s skull.

 

I continued to walk down the halls of our home – so foreign and familiar at the same time. The Utility room door, splintered by my own hand.

 

_“You might actually be worse than me!”_

 

Bile rose in my throat. I would have killed him. I still felt it, the weight of the hammer in my palm, the fire burning in my veins to hunt, to murder the closest person to me my whole life.

 

I moved on, staring at the torture chamber, the ropes that held me still scattered on the floor like a tangle of snakes.

 

_“My mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. Your very existence sucked the life out of my life!”_

Why didn’t they hate me? Why wouldn’t they just stop?

 

I moved further into the bunker, walking past Sam’s room – It was Sam’s room now. We’d shared it so many nights, the three of us, tangled arms and legs, laughter and kisses. Fitting our bodies onto the bed and twisting together as we made love – That was over now, wasn’t it? I hoped so.

 

_“What I’m gonna do to you, Sammy? Well, that ain’t gonna be mercy either.”_

 

I just wanted them to have peace. Why did they come back? I wished they’d never called – never found me. Further into the bunker. My room now. Untouched – even the note was still there. Hot tears burned my eyes. Why didn’t they hate me?

 

_“I’m doing all I can not to come over there and rip your throat out. With my teeth.”_

 

I entered my room, pushing the note to the floor and stretching out on the bed. My bed. My cold, empty, lonely bed. It hurt, thinking I’d spend the rest of my life alone. Humanity hurt. But Cas and Sam _needed_ to hate me. I needed them to.

 

It was those thoughts that stayed with me as I drifted into a tormented sleep.

 

***

 

Dean felt like he’d barely closed his eyes when a large, warm hand landed lightly on his shoulder. “Dee?”

 

Those all too familiar tears burned the back of his eyes again. He screwed the lids tighter, willing them away. “What, Sammy?”

 

“Move over.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I want to sleep with my boyfriend. I—I’ve missed you these past months.”

 

“Don’t be stupid, Sam.”

 

The hand left Dean’s shoulder, but Dean could still feel Sam’s presence on the bed. He rolled over and opened his eyes reluctantly. Sam’s shoulders were hunched, his head hanging, back to Dean.

 

“Sam?”

 

“Are we over?” Sam’s voice was shaky, and Dean’s heart throbbed with an aching need to comfort his brother and lover.

 

“You can’t want me. Not after what I did.”

 

“You weren’t you.”

 

“Yes, I was, Sam. I was terrible. I tried to _kill_ you, and I would’ve tried to kill Cas if I’d had the opportunity.”

 

“You were a demon, Dean.”

 

“That means _nothing_. I still have the Mark. I’m still unstable. What if I snap again? I’m not good for you two. You just need to—Need to hate me so you can see what’s good for you guys. You’re better off without me.”

 

Sam turned around quickly, his brows knitted together. “You really think we’d be better off without you?”

 

“I know you would.”

 

“You moron, Dean. We spent months searching for you. We aren’t _complete_ without you! I don’t care how much self-loathing you have, don’t you dare assume that we would _ever_ hate you. Jesus, Dean. We love you.”

 

“Stop it, Sammy—“

 

“No!” Sam turned and straddled Dean’s hips, setting his good hand flat on Dean’s chest. “You listen to me, Dean. Because I’m only going to say this once. Don’t you _ever_ think we don’t want you. Broken, beaten, battered, screwed to Hell – you are mine, and you are Cas’. And when he comes back he will tell you the same damn thing. You can hate yourself. I’m used to that. You can hate the whole damn world; you can even hate me for curing you. But we will _never_ hate you.”

 

“Sam, I—“

 

“Shut up. I’m not finished. How could you do this to us, Dean?”

 

“Because I’m not good.”

 

“Not what I mean. How could you want to leave after we just got you back?”

 

“I almost killed you tonight, Sammy.”

 

“And there’s been times I’ve almost killed you. You didn’t. Cas stepped in, and we fixed you. Just like we’ll fix the Mark. Jesus, Dean, we’ve been dating for years – don’t you get it by now that we’re stronger when the three of us work together?”

 

Dean opened his mouth to reply, but a breeze drew their attention to the door. Cas had pushed it open and was smiling sheepishly. “Did I interrupt.”

 

“Get in here, please,” Sam whispered.

 

The smile disappeared from Cas’ face at Sam’s tone and he shut the door, hurrying to the bedside.

 

“What’s the matter?” He asked, looking between his lovers.

  
“Dean—“ Sam looked down at Dean, trying to look angry. The tears in his eyes gave him away though. “Please tell me you want to stay in this relationship, Cas. All three of us.”

 

“Of course I do. Whatever gave you the idea that I didn’t?”

 

“Dean wants us to leave him.”

 

“It’s for the best,” Dean whispered.

 

“Why would you think that?”

 

“Look what I put you guys through. All this crap I’ve done.”

 

“You were a demon, Dean.”

 

“Yeah, so Sam keeps reminding me.”

 

Cas sat on the bed next to them and reached out, turning Dean’s chin to face him. “You being a demon excuses a lot of your actions. We don’t hate you, I don’t think we could. I know I couldn’t.”

 

“You’re my brother first and foremost, and my boyfriend, I can’t hate you, Dean.”

 

Dean closed his eyes, a tear slipping out before he could do anything to prevent it. “I wish I could make it all go away.”

 

“Make what go away?” Cas asked.

 

“What I did. The knowledge of it, the hurt of it. The hurt I caused you guys,” Dean whispered, his voice quivering and breaking.

 

Sam and Dean shared a look before rising and changing places, one man on each side of Dean. Sam shifted so he could put his injured arm on Dean’s chest, pressing his nose and lips tight to curve of Dean’s neck.

 

Cas’ fingers played over Dean’s stomach and under his shirt, resting on his bare skin. He mimicked Sam’s motion with his face, nuzzling Dean as best he could.

 

It was the way they often slept after a particularly hard case, or if one or more of them were having a bad night. Hunting took a lot out of all of them, and this was the perfect position they’d found to comfort – as well as be comforted by – everyone equally.

 

It was in this embrace that Dean let himself cry. He hated what he did, and he didn’t know why his two boyfriends were so willing to just accept it. He just wanted the pain to _stop_.

 

When his tears finally dried, Sam lifted his head, pressing a soft kiss to Dean’s chapped lips. “We’ve got you, Dean. Always.”

 

Cas ran a string of gentle kisses up Dean’s neck and jaw before placing one on his forehead. “We won’t leave you. We just got you back.”

 

Dean’s eyes squeezed shut, his mouth curving into a smile that surprised even him. “Thank you.”

 

“There’s no need to thank us, Dean,” Cas said.

 

“I know, but – still.”

 

“We’re just glad you’re back,” Sam said. He kissed Dean once more and then shifted, pressing a kiss to Cas’ mouth.

 

“Rest, you two. You need it,” Cas said firmly.

 

“So do you. You’re staying tonight, right?” Sam asked.

 

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

 

The three settled back into their comfortable embrace, and Dean allowed his arms to snake around each boyfriend.

 

Sam and Cas twined their fingers on Dean’s chest over his heart, using it as a unique lullaby to the most restful sleep that any of the three had gotten in months. Together.


End file.
